Darkness
by MajandraNova
Summary: Grissom worries about Sara as she enters into a dark phase of her life after receiving a letter. GSR. Songfic.


**Darkness**

**Disclaimer:** I do own CSI ... oh, no, that was just in my dreams, I do NOT own CSI or any of the characters. I also do not own the lyrics of the song.

**Summary:** Grissom worries about Sara as she enteres in a dark phase of her life. The Song is "Darkness" of Darren Hayes.

**A/N:**

1) English is not my first language

2) Not beta-ed

3) I love the song and one day it struck me that it fits to Saras past.

4) While I wrote it I thought that I might write a pre- or sequel. I don't know yet. It would be interesting to know what the letter says.

* * *

Grissom woke up and knew he was alone in bed. He didn't even have to open his eyes to miss the presence of Sara. Nevertheless he stretched out his arm to run his hand over the bed sheet. It was cold. 

Last night, when they'd gone to bed, Sara had just snuggled herself to him silently and he'd accepted her silence. Like he had done the last weeks. It was not that he hadn't been worried, he had been, he still was, but he figured that Sara needed time. She would come to him when she would feel ready to talk. He couldn't make her open up to him.

In the beginning he had worried, that it was something that he'd done but then he figured it wasn't that kind of silence. Something deeper depressed his lover. When he tried to cheer her up she would smile for a minute but later her laughter would fade and she would lose herself in her thoughts again.

Grissom got up. When he didn't find her in the townhouse he got himself dressed and went outside looking for her car. Since it wasn't there he got really worried. It wasn't Saras style at all to just leave without saying anything.

He went back inside and dialed Saras number.

* * *

Sara heard her cell phone vibrating next to her. She took a look at the display and saw that it was Grissom. She knew that he had to be worried but still she decided to ignore the call. 

She drew her knees closer to her body and rested her chin on them. As she sat on the beach she looked out at the lake but she didn't really see the waves meeting the sand a few feet from her because she was already lost in thought again.

Since she had received the letter she hadn't been herself anymore. She slept badly, could hardly eat and what was worst, she didn't talk to Grissom anymore. And this although it had been Grissom that had saved her in the first place.

He had found her when she had been at her worst. Like now she had been in a deep, black hole. And then he had come.

But now it was different. She somehow couldn't get herself to talk to him.

So she was just sitting here at the lake having nervous, illogical thoughts in her mind. She couldn't think straight anymore.

Sara took the unopened letter out of her purse and stared at it. Why did she have to send her a letter?! She had been just fine and then this letter came and destroyed everything. Started all these thoughts all over again.

* * *

_Been spending so much time underground_

_I guess my eyes adjusted_

_To the lack of light_

_I got_

_Covered in darkness_

_Covered in darkness_

So much time of her life she had been depressed. It got like her second nature. The coat of sadness had swept over her and alone she had not been able to undress it. And when saw a light, she was blinking and looking away fast because her eyes were just not used to it anymore. The unhappiness had taken the dominance since she had been only a child.

_Hibernating always waiting for something new_

_Happiness has always ended_

_In the blink of an eye_

_There was no one attending_

_No one attending_

She had always been waiting for the change that would make her life better but when there was something good in her life, it was always taken away from her so fast that in the end she was led to believe that it never really existed. And no one had been there to assure her that the good existed.

_It doesn't really matter where it all began_

_All I know_

_I got covered in darkness_

_Covered in darkness_

She couldn't even remember anymore when exactly it began. For a long time she had thought the cause of all her problems had been the murder of her father, but the truth was, that her family had been destroyed long before. Her childhood had been a nightmare and it had covered her in darkness. A darkness that had lasted for a very long time. And that had returned now.

_Ever wonder why I never really truly connect_

_Although my eyes are open_

_I can hold your gaze_

_But I am never connected_

_Never connected_

She walked trough the world, eyes wide open, but she didn't connect to the people. As a child she had tried to connect to her foster families but when she changed from one place to another over and over again she stopped trying to connect. She had learned that it hurt less to leave a place when she wasn't involved too much with the people. So she had started to always keep herself at a safe distance to everybody else.

_I am famous for my generosity_

_They say I am the kindest_

_But it is easier to_

_Give than receive love_

_Give than receive love_

At work they all adored her. They said that she was so kind. But in her life she had learned that it was a lot easier to give love to people than to receive it. Maybe that was why she had chosen Grissom in the first place. She could love him without being loved in return.

She had found it extremely difficult to handle when she learned that he loved her back. She just wasn't used to receive love.

_Turning pages over_

_Run away to nowhere_

_And it's hard to take control_

_When your enemy's old and afraid of you_

_You'll discover that the monster you were running from_

_Is the monster in you_

All her life she had run from the monsters of her childhood but now they were inside of her. And she needed to fight them. Or they would destroy her life.

_Better to hold on to love_

_Better to hold on to love_

_Change will come_

But now she knew a way how to fight them, she had to hold on to love. She had to hold on to Grissom. He was her safety. He would rescue her whenever she needed it. He had saved her before and he would grab her hand and pull her from the abysm now as well. She just had to hold on to love. Change would come.

* * *

Sara shove back the letter into her purse, grabbed her stuff and got into her car. As fast as she could she drove back to the city. 

As she entered the townhouse she found a worried Grissom trying to concentrate over an entomology book. When he saw Sara he jumped up from his chair and pulled her into a strong hug. She buried her head in his neck and started crying. Grissom comforted her with caressing strokes on her back. After a while he started kissing her forehead.

Still sobbing she started to whisper to him

"It doesn't really matter where it all began,

All I know

I was covered in darkness,

I was lost,

I feel lost."

And he understood.

"Better to hold on to love

Change will come

Change will come with you."

And he understood again.


End file.
